Let me ask something, what´s life? 
I´ve been thinking about that alot latley. I just can´t seem to get a good explanation.. what is it?  I mean, there´s so much shit happening, constantley, I mean, it´s breaking the humans down! And, still, bad things keep happening!

You know...  I thought something good was about to happen to me and my family, now it seems like... like everything is breaking. And my life is crashing down on me again. I though 2009 would be a goood year for me, maybe not, after all.




WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG!?

How come I feel useless and worthless? 
Why do I feel like you don´t want to hang with be? Why?  Is it ´cause that´s really the truth? Or ?   I had a feeling for you once, I did, I might still do, but ..! God!
I just feel like with everyone else, that you don´t want to be with me, that you´re ashamed of me, you hate me, never want to talk to me again. I mean..! I don´t want this anymore! I don´t! I want it to be good and nice in my life. For once.
I guess that never will happen to me.

I don´t care about those girls. But I don´t like hanging with them. I don´t . I want people to understand that it´s ok. to be yourself, it´s okey. you just have to learn how to be proud of the one you are...

´cause only YOU can be YOU, no one else can.

Hi everyone...
I really DON´T want to sound desperate or anything, ´cause I´m not, I just want to kind of.. say something...


You know, everyone wants to be with someone.. you know.
especially when you´re a teenager..  I mean, there´s so much stuff going on, that you really want someone to... share everything with, someone that you can hug, kiss and trust...

I´ve told you guys about Albin and Tomas. And I don´t care about that anymore, sooner or later you´ll realize that it´s not worth it at all. I did a few weeks ago, but I´m not gonna talk about that, not at all actually.

There´s this girl in my class. If you ask me I think she´s so annyoing! And alot of others think the same. She´s really religious, (nothing wrong about that!!!!!!!!!)  , and she´s just.. annyoing!
Well, I reasently found out that SHE of all girls has got a boyfriend! When I heard I was like... HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!?
It was stupid and crazyyy!
Why would anyone want her? She even cries when she doesn´t get the grade she wants!              I just couldn´t understand!

I might sound.. both jelous and stupid... I´m not jelous but I am stupid sometimes , and as I said before, I just wanted to say something... this is one of the things I wanted to say.. I mean... yeah, I don´t care, really. But.. yeh.. you know what it´s like!


So I´ve began to talk to a guy named Benjamin, he´s in the same age as me and we go to the same school..
I don´t know why we started talking, it just happened!
I´m stupid, I´M A COMPLETE IDIOT!
But, you know.. he has got a girlfriend, he does, and ´cause he does I don´t really understand why he´s so adorable to me and don´t even say something about me saying cute stuff to him, while he´s saying cute stuff to me!
(that might have sounded complicated, but it´s not, really... read it through twice if you have problems.)
I don´t get it.
 I know what I´ve been like when there´s boys in the picture, and it won´t happen this time. He doesn´t like me! Help me with that sentence. He does not like me. He´s only playing games with me! That´s all!   

I HATE MYSELF!

(I know some might get angry and all, but this is my point of view, remember that, MY point of view. ) 

But still, why does all of the boys want those slim, blonde girls? I don´t get it... actually, I don´t... is there someone who does?
How nice could it be to have their hands on skin and bones, litterly!?  Is that nice to feel the ribs on your girlfriend? Is it nice to see her ribs when she´s taking her shirt of ? 
Is it nice with a tiny, slim girl with HUUUGE, fake boobs? Is it?  I´m just asking, ´cause I can´t see the nice part of that...

Even if a girl is thin she might be helthy, I´m aware of that... but some is starwin´ to death! Is it nice to have a girlfriend who is deadly thin? 
Still I´m just asking....

Ok guys...
This is how I wish it would be...
I wish that boys would see the better part of girls, and not always their looks. You hve to agree, I´m pretty, a little at least.
I wish that boys would see the inside... not just the outside, ´cause at the end of the day, that´s what counts, right? Am I right or wrong? Correct me if you want to, ´cause... yeah
No, don´t correct me, ´cause this is MY point of view, this is how I feel, no one else..!
I´m asking you, all the boys in this BIIG world..... 
Wouldn´t it be nice to have a girlfriend with a little fat on her body? Something you can touch, something you can feel...
I know... I´m stupid and all that, but I don´t care, ´cause this is how I feel... and.. you know, I just hope that people realize that... you know, it´s not healthy... it´s not... and I want to be accepted the way I am..! I won´t loose weight for a boy! It´s not worth it!

 

Girls! Be who you are, and don´t let anyone change you. If you´re going to change, then you should change for your own sake, not anyone elses.... It´s your life, your movie, and you´re starring it, you´re the main star...!

Sometimes everything just feels so damn hopeless. Like it never will be okey again, like there´s nothing left, I could just lay down and die. You know that feeling? 
That feeling comes to me alot. I mean, it´s like my best friend... I´m learning from that friend. 
I´m fourteen, soon turning fifteen, years old. I shouldn´t die now for God sake! I mean, there´s so much more to learn and there´s so much more to see in this beautiful world we live in. 
It´s so damn easy to get stuck in those feelings, and it´s so hard, once your in them, too get out. And I really mean that, litterly. It´s very hard. And I do hate those people who says, "it´s nothing, you´ll get over it" , "it´s just a fase" . You know all those people, the people who thinks stuff like that. 
Well those people haven´t been there, or they are too proud to edmit that they actually have been there, and felt like there´s nothing left to do but take their own lives. 

When my brother died a year ago, I thought I knew who my friends were. I thought I knew who would have my back, who would support me and help me get through the pain. 
The truth is... I didn´t know who my friends were at all. I was stupid enough too think that these people would actually help me. I was soo wrong, I made a huge mistake. We all make mistakes once or two times in our lifes. And it´s okey. No one can blame you for choosing the wrong people to hang with. No one can. And you CAN´T blame yourself for that mistake. 
There are bigger mistakes made in this world, trust me on that. 

There´s no easy way in life. There are no shortcuts. All we can do is live, day by day. And do those things we are surposed to do. We´re human, it´s our nature to make mistakes. It truly is. And again, no one can blame you for makeing them. 
As I said before, there´s no easy way, we all have to learn the hard way, and we have got to keep on fighting. We have got to fight for what we want. We have to keep on making mistakes, feel like we just want to dissapear. It´s natrual. =) 

I did do something really embarrassing this summer, and I hate myself for what I did. But I keep remembering myself that it´s natrual. I´m not the first to embarrass myself. I´m not the first and I´m defenetly not the last. He won´t hate me for what I did. I have to look at it the positive way. And understand that, what I did was not wrong. It was something funny I did with two friends, and it all just got... WIERD! 
People have done worse things, I´m sure. 

So, what have you learned? 
It´s not easy too love yourself, but you´ll find a way. 
And it´s not right to pretend to be something that you´re clearly not. 
And it´s okay to feel bad once in a while, it is. You just have to learn how to handle the situations you might get in. It´s not easy, trust me on that one, but it´s always worth to try. Before you decide too take your own life. Try too make a difference. Try too get help for your problems. Everyone has got their problems. There´s no perfect person in this world. And everyone has their right to get help. 


I have learned things the hard way. I have. I´m not very proud of the scars on my left arm, but they´re there. And I can´t make it undone. I have done it, and they are a part of my life. I´ve been through some tuff shit, but I´m here now, I have survived it. And I have always found something that keeps my strength alive. 
My light has been some amazing friends I have found on the way. Take Tomas for example. He might not know that, but he has helped me through alot by just sitting with a computer and write me stuff like "hej". Those little things, they get a HUUGE meaning by the end of the day. 
And when it all comes together, he and alot of others, helped me to get back on track, and survive this tragedy. 
It´s not over for me, it´s not over for anyone. But, I´ve come a long way.
And I´m here too stay.  

I don´t know how to do this. I just have so say something...!

ALBIN, I LIKE YOU SO MUCH! I KNOW THAT YOU WOULDN´T LIKE ME IF YOU MEET ME. BUT, I LIKE YOU! THERE´S SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY YOU TREAT ME, ABOUT THE WAY YOU ACT TO ME. SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU´RE PERFECT! YOU´RE THAT SWEET CAREING PERSON. SOMEONE I´VE BEEN LOOKING FOR..!! I LIKE YOU, SOOOOO MUCH! I DON´T DARE TELL YOU THAT. BUT I HAD TO GET IT OFF MY CHEST. SO NOW I HAVE. !!!!!

 

You´re not the one I thought you were. I now know things about you I didn´t quite think was true. But, what the hell! You´re 16, a boy and wild as hell.. Why do I even care? 
I guess it´s because you didn´t tell me. I thought we could be honest to each other, probibly not. I don´t want things between us to be the same way as they are with my friends at school. I mean, please, tell me things! I want to know, I do understand. Even though I´m two years younger than you. I do really understand, Dennis. I want you to tell me EVERYTHING you do, everything about your life. Please, open the door and let me in.


 

__
I just don´t know what to write. I´m getting over you! Hah, it´s hard, since I see you everywhere it seems. Al though you´re in a different city, who knows, maybe even a different country! 
But I´ll try to get over you, get on with my life. You´re not worth it. It´s not worth it. I´ve seen that now. There´s more to life than chaising you. I mean... God, we can be friends, and I guess that´s all I want, need and asking for now... I want us to get close, I want us to trust eachother. I guess that won´t happen, but hey, dreams can always be made, right?
 

About you... 
You´re my cousin, I want you to see me, I want you to talk to me. I guess that won´t happen! GOD I´m so stupid. Ok, I´m not, but I feel so stupid! I don´t even know what to write about it. Oh God. I guess it will be ok..? Won´t it? I mean,,, Oh no. I don´t quite know really.... 
GOOOOOOOOOOOOD please help me?  

Hehe... I´m writing on a story called "nothing lasts forever". It´s really good, it´s very deep and I like it. BUT, the problem is that, I can´t come up with the next part. I don´t know what will happen next. I know the ending, but.. I´m stuck. I need some idéas! I don´t know how to get them! I´ll just write something. ´cause I need to get it done!!

Does anyone want it when it´s done? :) 
 

There´s not much I can write now.

I´m a bit sad, But I try not to think about it, and just look forward and try to get over it. Which is not very easy. But I will get through it! I know that!

Love you guys!

<333

Well hello everyone!
A happy Sara is here to keep you guys busy for a while!

I am happy.. I feel comfterble with myself at the moment.
I´m in a "weight loosing" programme, I don´t know if it has helped anything yet, I´ve been doing it for a week now, but I feel kind of different in a way! Sometimes I feel like I haven´t lost any weight at all, really. Which I don´t even think I have yet, but I do feel different. Maybe it has helped? Maybe I´ll be able to reach my goal?
I want to look great before the summer, and when my confirmation is , May 30th. It´s January now, so... maybe by May I will look awsome.. who knows? I know that I will keep trying with this diet, and see what the result will be. If it gets me disapointed, then I´ll try something else. I WON´T give up this time. So please someone, help me with that... help me to not give up on trying! `cause this time, I will get what I want!
This is actually the first time I´ve told someone, exept my mom, about it. It´s only my mom and me who knows that I´m on this diet - thing. Ehrm, I also have a Swedish blog, and I haven´t mentioned it there yet. I don´t want to either. I mean... I don´t want Tomas to know that... This is my secret, english blog. I love to write in english.. it´s so much easier some how... I hope you guys understand what I´m saying! :) 
And, I wanted to have a blog where I could write about Tomas. Since he is reading my Swedish blog. And I didn´t want him to know the feelings I have for him. At least I don´t want him to know that now... but he might have figured that out all ready. I don´t know. I guess that, if he would have, he wouldn´t ask me about it...

Let´s talk about something else!
My tattoo is doing great on my wrist!! Hehe, it looks really nice, but it´s not finnished yet. Since it was my cousin who made it, she didn´t want me to feel the pain to much I guess. So she took it very easy, and didn´t go as deep as she should have if it would be someone else. So, it´s getting more ink someday in the future! =) But it´s wonderful. And I´m very lucky to have gotten it! It means so much to me.
I can´t really explaine the meaning of it. But it´s like a reminder that, I´m the star in my own life, you know? It´s like.. ehrm, it´s my life, no one else´s. It´s so easy to forget that, that you´re being someone else, to just fit in.. I´ve done that, a few times. And now I keep reminding myself that, I should be myself, everytime..!

And so should you. =)

Now it has happened!
 

I have gotten a tattoo!

Haha! It´s awsome..! And I like it, I can´t believe it´s there.. :) I like it, my own little star :) 

I don´t want to feel this way. I just feel like I´m totaly forgotten by the people around me. Sometimes I feel like a shadow. Maybe it´s because I´m kind of quite, or something like that. But... I don´t know what to say. I don´t want to make a fool of myself. Even though they´re my family..
I don´t know, the only thing I know is that I have felt like this for a very long time. And I don´t know what to do about it.
I just... I feel like I´m not good enough, like... what I do never fits in their world...  I feel like an outsider. And that my older siblings don´t want to know me. They don´t know me. I know that it´s alot of age difference between me and my older siblings. But still... but still I think they should treat me like I´m their younger sister, and like I need them. ´cause I really do need them.. To me it´s like they don´t want to know me. They don´t want to know what´s going on in my life. What I feel, how I feel. I´m like a complete stranger to them. I don´t want it to be like that, but still I feel like that.
When I really need them, they´re no where to be found. I´ve allready lost one brother, I don´t want to loose my other siblings as well. But they don´t see me...
I don´t exist to them, I´m like a ghost, or a shadow..! I just...! It´s like, to them it doesn´t matter if I´m alive or dead, they still doesn´t care..!
I want them to be a part of my teenage life, I want them to be a part of me, ´cause I need them! But they don´t see it, they don´t see me.
They think everything is okey, and that everything is fine. But it´s not. Defenetly not. I just want everything to be okey.  I want them to see me, I want them to understand. But they don´t, I don´t think they will either. No matter what I do...
Even though I´ve cut myself in my arms, they still don´t see me..! As you may understand, it doesn´t matter what I do, they still don´t see me.
I mean, the scars, they exists! They´re not invisible! It gets me so angry, that they can´t see me, they can´t understand that I need them. That I need my siblings. I´m soon 15 years old, I´m a girl. And I also have older sisters, I thought that maybe they would understand how it is, to be 15 years old and a girl. With everything around me... everything that´s happening, everything that´s going on in my body at the moment. But no, they won´t..
I remember my brother once said. When I told him that I was going to colour my walls in my room, dark purple. He said that I shouldn´t, that it gets to depressing, and that it gets worse in my age. Like, alot of things is happening.
At that point I truly thought that he will care later on. But no, he doesn´t care at all...! He wouldn´t care if I´d die tomorrow. It´s nothing to him, since I´m NOTHING to him. The same with my other older siblings. They wouldn´t care at all...
And you know, that hurts. That hurts so deeply in me.

Hi everyone!
 

Welcome to my new blog. This will be interessting..!

I do hope someone will read it, and maybe be a friend of mine =).

What is there to write, today? Not very much I guess... Something very interessting will happen tomorrow. I won´t tell you guys what, right now . You´ll see tomorrow night =). I hope it will end up fantastic..! At the moment I don´t know what else to write. I hope someone will read this..!   Ha